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Post by Kimble on Feb 14, 2008 22:25:02 GMT -5
The greatest movie about rollerblading in Ohio starring Seth Green ever. Where's Chris Konrad's Oscar at guys? Oh & the soundtrack rules. I want to rollerblade through a greenhouse while crappy early 1990s R&B/pop plays overhead. Mr. Dewey from Saved by the Bell was also a great addition to the cast. Shane McDermott stole my heart.
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Post by Voelkermord on Feb 18, 2008 0:38:03 GMT -5
This is one of the most cheese-dick movies ever made. A stereotypical "surfer dude", Mitchell Goosen (played by Shane McDermott, pictured) is forced to move from sunny LA to Cincinnati, Ohio when his marine biologist parents must go to Australia for research. Mitchell has to go live with his aunt and uncle and cousin Wiley, crushing his dreams of sand, waves and "golden-tan Sheilas". Poor bastard. He does bring his surfboard with him to Ohio though. He is not liked by the popular jerk-offs in school. One in particular, Jack, has a fantasy about throwing Mitchell out of a second story window ala Berenger in The Substitute just 10 minutes after meeting him. I understand where he was coming from. The cool guys at school play hockey. They enlist Mitchell after 2 choads on their team get caught putting Ex-Lax in a teacher's coffee. He scores a goal for the opposing team. That meant war. The jocks begin harassing him and Cousin Wiley (played by one Seth Green, with one of the worst hairstyles I have ever seen). They put sand in his locker, steal his clothes from the locker room when he is in the shower, saw the legs on his desk so he falls to the floor after sitting, and (my favorite), pour water on the toilet paper when he is taking a shit so he can't wipe his ass. Then he gets his rollerblades in the mail. Holy dog shit! This man's got skillz that killz!! He is twirling like a whirling dervish down the calm Cincinnati streets, pissing off the skaters and BMXers along the way. The give chase but it is an exercise on futility because this Adonis is like Michael Flately on rollerblades. He jumps down a very long and multi-tiered flight of stairs, turns to face his pursuers, and bows. They all cheer and pump fists like Guidos, including one Ginger asswipe that has an awful penis haircut and a huge nose. The climax of the movie is a race down Devil's Backbone against the hockey player's arch nemesis, the Preps. I won't give away many of the details of that, suffice to say it is epic. Cars get jumped over, skaters careen off roads, they get roadburn, one falls off a bridge into Lake Erie, and one even jumps off the second story of a parking garage. This is one of those movies that stops me dead in my tracks. I have to watch it if it is on TV. I really wish they would release it on DVD. Do you own it, Kimble?
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Post by Cohaagen on Feb 18, 2008 0:53:18 GMT -5
What a beautiful review, Voelk. I love:
including one Ginger asswipe that has an awful penis haircut and a huge nose
At first I didn't notice that Kimble started the thread, and really appreciated the implication of the line...
Do you own it, Kimble?
...as if Kimble automatically owns every dubious movie ever produced.
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Post by Voelkermord on Feb 18, 2008 0:57:23 GMT -5
Kimble is the only one I know of on here that has seen it and I can't remember if he owns it or not. I meant nothing ulterior by asking, I simply was wondering if he had the VHS as this piece of shit is not out on DVD. If he does own it, I am jealous.
Just wanted to clear that up, 'Haag.
This movie is hilarious and deserves a place of honor with my other Shitty VHS purchase, Cool as Ice.
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Post by Kimble on Feb 18, 2008 1:06:17 GMT -5
That's probably the most in-depth analysis I've ever read about Airborne. I truly love this piece of shit movie. It's a huge part of my childhood.
"When/if(I can't remember which word is used) I pick you up in personal limousine & shower you with roses."
I love early 1990s radio-friendly R&B songs.
I used to own the VHS but sold it for about $15 on Ebay haha. I want to get it again though because I've been wanting to watch Airborne badly as of late.
I'm going to dye my hair red & rock the Seth Green do.
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Post by Cohaagen on Feb 18, 2008 1:07:25 GMT -5
I didn't mean it in an unpleasant way - I think Kimble would appreciate being the hoard-master of all shit movies! I hate the way the internet instantly makes you seem x1000 times more sinister than you really are. Also, as good as it sounds I'm not quite prepared to believe that it outranks Prayer of the Rollerboys as the ultimate early 90s rollerblading cash-in movie.
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Post by Voelkermord on Feb 18, 2008 1:10:44 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm really sorry man. Just like with text messages, vocal implication and sarcasm cannot be understood.
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Post by Kimble on Feb 18, 2008 1:15:05 GMT -5
I'm not offended because I do own a bunch of shitty movies. I just get slightly offended when dipshits try to say that I only like horror & shitty movies to add to my image but then I dismiss that as a bunch of drivel due to the irrelevance of the person saying it.
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Post by Voelkermord on May 29, 2008 0:56:27 GMT -5
I call it a Liquid Drano, Wanna-Be Bullwinkle. I tell you, NO LIE, my friends.
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Post by Kimble on Oct 12, 2008 10:29:41 GMT -5
Chill brah.
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Post by Voelkermord on Oct 14, 2008 1:20:27 GMT -5
I tell you, no LIE, my friends.
...then, I'll be stylin".
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